If I could do anything with my days what would I do? What adventures would I choose? What life would I live?
These questions have been on my mind a lot lately. I want my life to be a strong reflection of who i am. I don’t want to lose sight of what I enjoy. Days are precious and I have I want to be fulfilled and not wanting.
Being surrounded by nature gives me so much enjoyment, as a city dweller there is definitely a void. I want to spend more time filling my yard with beautiful flowers and growing beds full of vegetables. I want to use the bounty of my garden to make fruit pies and and vegetable stews. I want to make jelly, preserves, pickles and shrubs. I want bouquets of flowers to fill my home.
Hiking through the forest and being near water has always given me peace. I want to spend more days out in the woods spying on animals, splashing through creeks and catching sunbeams through the canopy of trees.
I want to host dinner parties for my loved ones. Themed events with fabric napkins, table settings, fresh flowers in vases. The full spread with a cheese board, appetizers, a roast, fancy drinks and fun desserts. I want to take photos to document the details of the event.
Vacations are always so memorable. They give you new insight to the world that surrounds you and refresh your soul. I want to plan big trips to Tokyo and Iceland. I also want to plan day trips to an orchard near our home and a weekend visit to Chicago.
So, here I sit reflecting on this information and planning my adventures and events for the future.
Every morning, after breakfast, I cradle you in my arms on the sofa. You nurse while we stare into each other’s eyes until your lids get heavy and you slowly fall into sleep. I could put you in your crib and shut the door behind me but I would miss these sweet moments. Holding your tiny body against mine while you dream. I could probably get some chores done, I could wash dishes or do a load of laundry, but I’d miss the giggles you make while you dream. I could shower or comb my hair but I’d sacrifice all of those silly acts just to hold you in my arms for an hour while you take your morning nap.
I’d like to share my postpartum experience to help enlighten others. Often the details and images are left out and there is a lot of mystery that surrounds postpartum recovery.
I wrote a birth plan full of wishes and desires that I carefully researched over the duration of my pregnancy. Out of that full page there were only a couple of things I got to check off was my list. Avoiding an episadomy was one of them. I wasn’t cut and I didn’t tear. My doctor worked with me during my labor to help prevent it. Through massage, lubrication and also slowly delivering (an hour). I had an epidural while I was on a heavy dose of pitocin (my water broke at home. So i was on the clock) but it had worn off almost completely by delivery and I could feel when I needed to push. The nurse tried to coach me by telling me to tuck my chin and bare down like I was having a bowl movement. I had learned through my own research that is was not effective and waited until I could feel my contraction starting to breathe my baby down. Practicing kegels helped me get a sense of how to use my pelvic muscles and that truely helped with my sons delivery. Not having an episiotomy cut my healing time down to nothing. I’m so thankful for that.
No one told me about how swollen the fluids would make me after delivery. I mean, holy crap! I seriously had elephant feet! My son was in the NICU for observation because he couldn’t keep his blood sugar up. So, I had to get dressed and leave my room almost immediately to walk down to his room and the ankles of yoga pants felt like the were going to bust a seam. It was the worst post-partum symptom. Other than that nothing really bothered me. I had obviously just given birth so my belly was soft, my breasts were engorged and I was still bleeding but I didn’t experience a lot of pain. Nursing caused my uterus to contract which cause a little discomfort but nothing compared to giving birth. Those 11 hours on pitocin without an epidural were by far the most excruciating moments of my life so far (and I’ve had open heart surgery).
I was so exhausted and stressed out over the health of my son while we were at the hospital that I had little time to reflect on the wonderful event. Once we were home and I could finally relax and my emotions caught up with me. I started sobbing tears of happiness and they continued off and on for a few days to follow. I mean, I would just look at my baby and break down into tears. The love and happiness was overwhelming and I’m sure my hormones didn’t help.
I had struggled with body imagine issues and eating disorders through my adolescence and into adulthood. It took a lot of work to build a positive imagine of myself and treat my body with respect. Pregnancy was the ultimate test of that work. I had mixed feelings about watching my body grow and collect weight. After the birth of my son I felt nothing but proud of my body. I had grown a little life inside of me! I’m back to my pre pregnancy weight thanks to a combination of eating healthy, trying to stay active(by taking walks around the neighborhood) and breastfeeding.
Here are my postpartum progress photos from pregnancy to today:
Top row: 40weeks pregnant, 1 week postpartum, 2 weeks postpartum
Bottom row: 3months pp, 5 months pp, today (7months pp)
I still have toning up to do and I’d like to get back into running once my son is weened from the breast but until then I’m happy with my slow and steady progression towards my pre baby body. I hope this post will give moms to be a realistic glimpse into what postpartum really looks like. Mamas’ are amazing!
I’m sorry, I really suck at keeping up with my blog. Mostly, because I document everything in a paper journal for myself.
So, what’s up? Well, Julian is six months old now. He still hates solid food but he recently had some success with watermelon & a bit of rice cereal. He can sit up and prefers to be doing that constantly. So, I’m always building him a pillow landing pad for his head, just incase. He is finally taking regular naps (holla) & is still sleeping through the night in our bed.
What’s up with me? Oh, I don’t know. I guess I’m just really caught up in this mom role. I haven’t been going to the gym but I’m doing some Pilates at home. Which isn’t what I want but I will take it over nothing at all. My baby has a solid routine now so I need to find a healthy one for myself too. Although my diet is very clean and I’ve made it back to my pre baby weight.
The weather is beautiful here in Indiana so I’m spending all the time I can outside. Working in the yard & taking walks in my neighborhood. I’ve got a spring cleaning fever and I am so inspired to paint the walls & cabinets in the kitchen. I’m all over Pinterest looking for swatches and color maps.
My vegetable gardens are full of kale spinach and herbs right now. The strawberries & brussel sprouts and slowly growing. I’m disappoint in my flowers this year. I so badly wanted to have fresh cut flowers in the house. I had unrealistic expectations for them I suppose. They are still so new to produce an amount worth cutting.
I will keep up with updates this time. I promise. . .
We started bed sharing and it was been working so well for us. Julian sleeps in our bed every night and we are all getting so much sleep now. He “sleep nurses” and never wakes up fully until morning. Let me say that there is no better way to start your day than waking up to a sweet smiling babe.
My sons chubby little body is my breast feeding trophy. I’m so thankful to have the opportunity to feed him. The moments while I nurse him are so special and I soak them in and try to save them in my mind.
This month Julian started blowing raspberries and it kills me, so cute! We are spending as much time as possible outside since the weather is warm. I lay out a blanket on the front porch and we watch the trees wave in the breeze. A couple of nights ago we ate dinner on the porch while it rained, it was wonderful.
My baby is sassy now, haha. He has a lot of preferences and guidelines that determine his mood. For example: he likes to face outward while being held, so he can see everything that is going on. He also hates to wear socks and pulls them off his feet in a hurry. He must have his hands free at all times because those little hands rule is world, duh!
Julian has a high chair that he sits in now. I call him my “lil chef” and he loves to watch me and daddy cook. He is too small to reach the tray but once he can we will start offering up little tastes of food. While we are out getting dinner Julian prefer to sit in our laps over anything else. He loves to put his hands on the table and sometimes our plates if we don’t keep a close watch. Oh, the joys of being a mother.
My entire fence line will be blossoming with flowers soon! I spent two hours planting powder pink peonies, ranunculuses, dahlias, callie lillies and an apricot colored rose bush. My cutting garden dreams are becoming a reality, y’all!
My son wore a little sun hat & sat under the canopy of his car seat (this seemed like the best option, he hates when the sun is in his eyes). It’s in the high 70s today and there is a light breeze, such a perfect day to be out in the garden.
Here is a photo of the vases I’ve collected. I can’t wait to fill them up with fresh flowers from my garden (excited squeals)!
Winter feels so long sometimes and the excitement that spring brings just about made me lose my mind at lowes. The plants, the flowers, the packets of seeds… I couldn’t contain myself. I did not realize how overboard I had gone until I returned home and assessed my purchases. I guess my eyes were bigger than, well, my garden beds. So, I planted all my starts, the kale, spinach, brussel sprouts, a few herbs and BAM I’m out of space. What the heck! So now I’m scrambling to build new beds because I’m stubborn and I can’t give up on these veggies dreams, I just can’t. That’s what I’m dealing with over here, tough life, I know. I’m hoping to have this mess sorted in the next couple of weeks.
I buy a lot of things off amazon and I feel like there is an endless amount of boxes in my house on any given day. So, maybe Amazon could offer a courtesy box pick up, or something…. Please.
I live in Indiana and we have had frost advisories for over a week now. Wish I had checked for a weather update before I bought all of my bulbs. Im itchy to get outside and plant my roses & peonies. C’mon, weather, give me a break.
Speaking of my cutting garden, I have been thrifting cute mismatched vases of all sizes and boy oh boy, I can’t wait to fill those up with flowers. There is absolutely nothing better than fresh cut flowers in the house. Am I right?
It’s rainy today and I think my son has started teething (ugh). So, while he naps I’m going to make some banana muffins. It’s definitely a good day for some therapeutic baking.
My son is 17 weeks and just had his four month check up. He’s grown so much! From 6 lbs, 9 oz to 14 lbs, 10 oz and 20.5in to 26.5in. He’s a testament to the perfection of nature and he is my breastfeeding trophy. He is really developing his personality and has some serious preferences (he likes to face out when we hold him, he doesn’t like to wear socks, he likes to sit in our laps when we are out at a restaurant). I love it! He is a little man, exploring his world, the master of his tiny universe.
So I’ve been devoured by being a mama. Every moment and breathe I take is for my little baby. He is the still point of the turning world. Recently, I have been trying to get back to me. Incorporate my old life with my new one.
So my first step in that was getting back to the gym. I put it off for months. My exercise release from my doctor came and passed. I did Pilates a couple of times a week at home but that was nothing compared to my old routine. Before my babe was born I spent an hour on cardio six days a week, I did circuit training & core work. So I got back to it this time I’m pushing him in a stroller on the track while I run laps. I do core work when I have time during my sons naps. It’s not at the level is once was but damn it, I’m trying and I’m proud of myself.
How do I say this without sounding cheesy and cliche. I love fashion, outfit concocting, playing dress up in my closet. I knew what to expect from my postpartum body, I wasn’t hard on myself or disappointed with the changes my body had gone through. This being said, I stood in my closet in total confusion trying to find an outfit that I felt comfortable and confident in. Once I found that outfit (black jeans, black top, black boots, black moto jacket) I wore it everyday. It became my postpartum uniform and I no longer put any thought into my style. This went on longer than it should have much like my relapse in fitness. So I’m focusing on using fashion as a form of self expression again. It helps me feel like, me. Which I have discovered is really important. When you are breastfeeding, changing diapers, washing laundry, making dinner, being a wife, being a mother. You deserve to do some things for yourself. It’s working for me.
Stay tuned for outfits of the day and photos of my fitness progress!
Sending Light & Love